Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! I really like this point! Indeed. I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. 2. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. That doesnt make it okay. I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend. I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. When I am planning an event I usually offer a description of what I have planned first and then we move to scheduling but most of that is done in social media or by e-mail these days. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? Youre right, adult people who feel safe and are treated well like adult people probably dont react like that. A friend tricked me into agreeing to babysit her kid once using exactly that so what are you doing on X day approach. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. Sometimes its totally innocuous, as LW said. Ex.1. I know theyre just trying to be friendly but it gets exhausting that starting Wednesday I have to deal with so what are you up to this weekend and then AGAIN on Monday what did you do this weekend? (So I guess Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. I hate this question too because likeI dont always pick up on it! Good luck! This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. That being said, in a couple of guys Ive dated in the last few years, Ive been amazed at how fast and how almost without me noticing they can go from planning and executing dates very well to somehow only being able to function if Im doing it. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. Then, I asked her, why did she ask ME? Enjoying life and nothing else. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. ? comments. Oh, such discerning eyes. Flat? 21. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. I want collaborators, not pupils. Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. Look who is talking. And I try to be easier on myself for not having the exciting weekends I think I should be having. 2. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? Thats not cool.. 1. Im also annoyed by these questions! Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. Yes, I know that is an inappropriate way to react. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. ooh. With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. I think people use that particular question instead of asking outright so they can feel out whether the person has any plans or our open to hanging out before they ask them to commit to a specific thing. And she might feel hurt that Id rather do nothing than do something with her. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Im busy! I actually have an answer for this one. Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. Going to mars where children don't ask questions. What are the usual scripts? Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. How much stuff is there? If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Remember, . Him: Doing anything fun today? I may need some babysitting The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Yes! Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. This auto-reply is just to let you know. The cousin wanting a servant. This isnt a high-stakes issue like the LW that was abusing their partner. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries I was never taught that was the correct answer. But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. 2. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. I ask this question all the time. I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. OK, you want to ASK if hell help you w/ your home maintenance, fine, but these are not HIS chores anymore. Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. its BANK HOLIDAY?. Cant. Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. Flying in a rocket ship. More words, people, not less. Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? They see how often constantly males can throw a tantrum about how theyre being bitches, where the males only complaint is, I asked her questions, and she refused to answer! That alone is enough for him to feel justified in escalating the threats, anger, violence. 3. W- Work free. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. Once we own that, and stop feeling guilty, etc., it becomes easier to seize the power, and it becomes easier to think of what we ARE going to say. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. Him: Nothing at all? I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. You? I can deal with how are you, since that has an easy script for answering even if it took me a while to memorize it, and where are you from. Must say I kinda love your kids response. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Folding the dishes. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. Teaching my fish how to swim. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. what are you doing?. What are you up to this weekend? sounds like small talk, though it obviously depends if the asker is a known power-player. Of course, YMMV, and you know your family and the situation better than I do. If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. and get back to work.) You can do that! All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on).
Royal Surrey County Hospital Email Address, Bristol Rapid Testing Centre, Articles F
Royal Surrey County Hospital Email Address, Bristol Rapid Testing Centre, Articles F