Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very... To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. As we reached a red light, he pointed to the box. Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! But emerging from the depths of branded content and lame Jimmy Fallon hashtags come a few heroes who don’t wear capes: the people who are actually funny on Twitter. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no, peanut butter!” The next day, “Peanut butter again!” This goes on for days, until another worker says, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make a different lunch?” Joe replies, “I’m not married. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. I scanned the ID, but it came back expired.

“Look at that. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon.
Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket.

—Rick Brueckmann.

Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. To celebrate this fact, we created a definitive list† of the 100 funniest jokes … “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me... My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised... A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. A: He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. —Submitted by J. Lee, Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. —Ronald D. Stieglitz. The common misconception … If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist... My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth-grade math quiz.” —Susan Freeman. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.” —James Avery. Bartender: Three dollars. The gunners’ very first shot sent the drone into the water! Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. I handed her the penny. My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. “Sure.

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. Mike asked him, “Are you Dunn?” The gentleman said, “Yes.” Mike replied, “Well, why don’t you write to your mother? Interested, she confessed that she, too, was considering retirement. —Kenneth Gomez, My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. “No, I want the left side!” “I want the left side!” “No, I want the left side!” Intervening, I said, “Since Eric is older, he can have the left side.” “Thanks, Dad!” said Eric. But a good thing about the 21st century is that at least we can expose it on Twitter, with harmless, yet on-point, feminist jokes.
When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain.

A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day.