“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln, “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood, “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher." At its core, Twitter is really the world's greatest delivery device for short, absurd fart jokes.

The 100 Funniest Jokes in the History of Twitter. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.

These funny tweets about food are sure to put a smile on your face. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron, “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” —Matt Wohlfarth, “I recently asked a student where his homework was. Looking for a quick chuckle? They might be a superfood, but they're also sassy with it, tormenting us with the lack of ripeness.

Or ever for that matter. “He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author.

Enjoy.

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey, A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. These jokes about marriage are so accurate they'll have you cracking up.

Check out these witty bar jokes anyone can remember. *sees a buffet just full of ice cubes* “Bigamy is having one husband too many.

In one Twitter session, he went on a bit of a tirade after misunderstanding tweets from another rapper that he assumed were about him.

These hilarious family stories are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud. Man's best friend, not just good company, but a source of hilarity the world over. — Things Drake Do (@ThingsDrakeDo) March 16, 2015. 4 of 41. There's no denying Chris is right, but what makes it worse is Google not only has an answer for everything, but it's usually right too. An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate.

These funny photos will make you laugh out loud. Don't miss the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. The Funniest Tweets …

Check out the funniest Canadian quotes of all time. You'll want to keep these hilarious comebacks handy! Great, Click the ‘Allow’ Button Above

8 minutes ago, by Murphy Moroney

We've seen highs and lows, the good times and the bad.

— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 4, 2011. Death is number two. 129. If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director. The readers of the Daily Mail have a certain reputation on the internet, but usually for their comments. March 25, 2015 by Brinton Parker. Periwinkle Jones‏ managed to capture this classic moment when one pigeon was caught apparently being given a job interview in the local fast food establishment.

Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”. Find out the most popular movie the year you were born. J. O’Rourke, writer.

We're not even sure how you'd do that, but it was certainly pretty amusing. A Little Girl Just Asked Me If I Was Willow Smith I Humbly Said Yes And Took A Selfie.

These hilarious birthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh. Actress Anna Kendrick has some interesting thoughts on why low-carb diets work and there certainly is no denying her logic. ", he whispers. Here are 22 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. pic.twitter.com/IOo89Vypy7, — Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) March 16, 2014, Ways I'm like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will, — Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) January 2, 2015. First Published: March 20, 2015 283 Shares

We were wondering where this one was going for a moment, but we weren't disappointed. “A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. Dogs can be hilarious too and dogs acting like people, even more so.

19 hours ago, by Kelsey Garcia

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream. Speaking of funny, these hilarious dog cartoons are sure to crack a smile. “Want to know what God thinks of money? Living life shipwrecked on a desert island isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. The Funniest Tweets of the Week By Garrett Martin September 11, 2020 The 50 Best Comedies on Netflix Right Now (September 2020) By Garrett Martin and Paste Staff September 1, 2020

It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star. Pigeons are generally a menace to modern society, but at least every now and then they can give us some mild amusement.

she looks down& i'm holding a survey*, — LeVar Burzum (@drugleaf) February 18, 2012, Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom. Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. 41 of the funniest tweets ever written ... You will not be faulted for desperately seeking some respite during all this, a way to smile, even laugh, if only for a moment. After you've memorized these funniest quotes of all time, check out our best-ever Reader's Digest jokes. 3 of 41. Looking for more LOLs? “They say marriages are made in Heaven.

These hilarious yearbook quotes will crack you up. — Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) February 17, 2015. 18 hours ago, by Tamara Pridgett